Although most of us have a preference for a particular centre, all centres are active to a greater or lesser extent. Basically, the following rule applies: the closer to the source (points 3, 6 and 9), the more that centre is used by an enneatype; the farther away, the less the enneatype is connected with the energy of that centre.

For example, if we take type 8, then this type shows a preference for the physical centre (P, located next to point 9). 8 is therefore identified with 'doing'. The emotional source (E, point 3) is the furthest away, so in this type is the emotional centre (emotions) are suppressed. The mental source (M, point 6) is located somewhere in between, therefore, the mental centre is in (ego)service of the physical centre. Or put another way, the functioning of the physical centre becomes entangled with mental centre. The 8 will then start thinking up strategies to fulfil physical / instinctive needs. In short, enneatype 8 is a doer, who thinks after acting and feelings do not really count.

The same principle applies to the ennatypes, except for the 3, 6 and 9, the ‘source types’. These types also have a preferred centre, but because they exist, as it were in the ’middle’ of the energy of the centre, the centre has problems communicating with the other two centres. It is cut off from the other centres. If we take the 6 as an example, the six has trouble observing and trusting his or her own thoughts (hence the need for rules and structure). The other two sources are equally close, and thus equally strong, but are unable to help the thinking centre. Therefore, if the 6 is not in 'thinking mode’, he or she will be doing a combination of doing and feeling, or moving back and forth between the two (absorbed by fear vs. taking action) .

If we categorize the types on the basis of the most suppressed or ‘isolated’ energy we get the following classification:

Types that have difficulty observing their own emotions (3,7,8 ). These types are focused on the self (I). They provoke and need (visual) reactions from others to know what they feel. They solve problems by taking an aggressive stance: they set the rules and expect that others will follow.

3. Have two ways of functioning. Either they are in an 'emotional ' state where they can feel, but are unable to function efficiently. Or they exist in a combination of 'doing and thinking' pursue success in a cool and professional way.

7. Are identified with thinking, but cut off from the true purpose of the mental centre (inner, quiet knowing). They use action as a means to boost their mental centre (often think they have done something, when in fact they have not).

8. Are identified with their bodies and doing. They tend to act first, then think about the consequences ('the bull in the china shop’) .

Types that have difficulties observing their thoughts (6,1,2). These types need structure in the outside world and are focused on norms and values. They want to be accepted, show a dependent attitude and feel, think and act in relation to others.

6. Have two ways of functioning. Either they are in a ‘thinking’ state where they are unable to evaluate their thoughts in a balanced manner (because of lack of grounding). Or they exist in a combination state of 'feeling and doing’ where they feel they need to do something and act on the basis of strong emotional reactions .

1. Have trouble feeling their own instinctive energies. They use emotions (suppressed frustration) as motivation to take action. Although they often see themselves as thinkers, in essence they are doers who love practical ideas.

2. Are identified with their feelings , but can not feel emotions without acting (doing something). They are focused on the social environment, the needs of others and feeling needed.

Types that have difficulties observing their physical centre (9,4,5). These types are focused on time and space for themselves and need space. They try to solve it by a retreating. They believe they should have the final word in all matters concerning them.

9. Have two ways of functioning. Either they are in an 'instinctive ' state where they are engaged in activities on autopilot. Or they exist in a combination state of 'thinking and feeling' where everything is possible, but it is impossible to prioritize anything (preferences ) and to act accordingly.

4. Are identified with their emotions. They use the mental centre (fantasies) to stimulate their emotional centre (creating 'moods'). They often find themselves in a state of emotional 'push-pull' (I want it, or maybe I don’t) .

5 . Are identified with thoughts. If their feelings become entangled with thinking they can start living in a fantasy world that appears to be more real than reality. The result is usually that they get further away from emotional contact with themselves and others.

The best place to start, if you want to work on the co-operation of the centres, is to strengthen the weakest centre. In the case of the 3, 6 and 9, this is the 'primary centre' and in the other types the suppressed centre .

If you did not know your favourite (basic) ennatype before, maybe by now (after this series of enneablogs), you have at least a couple of strong candidates. If you want more information, please check out my website. If you need a mirror to see yourself (which applies to most of us), you can always contact me for a personal Enneagram Life Coaching consult!

Questions and comments are always welcome! And please Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

Want to know more? You could try reading:
Riso & Hudson / 'Understanding the Enneagram - the practical guide to personality types'
Hurley & Dobson / 'What’s my type?’

In the Enneagram, the physical energy enters at point 9. The emotional energy enters at point 3. The mental energy enters at point 6. By looking at the enneatypes that go with and the ones alongside these points, we can classify the types into three categories : instinctive / gut (8,9,1), heart (2,3,4) and head (5,6,7) types.

People with a physical basic energy are also called instinctive or gut types. The basic emotion of these enneatypes is anger. These types tend to focus on safety, instinctive reactions and being. Gut types resist being in the present. The true purpose of the physical centre is to sense and be physically present in the here and now and to use our energy to reach our real goals (realizing our life’s purpose). At the level of the ego, this energy is (sometimes openly and sometimes in a passive-aggressive manner) used to gain a certain power or influence Consciously or subconsciously, belly types are concerned with questions of safety and strength in relation to others. By creating clear boundaries (or by dissociating) these types can avoid contact with (the physical) reality. In some ways, gut types show a certain hostility towards everything and everyone – including themselves. They are rarely satisfied with things the way they are and use their energy to protect themselves (if necessary by attempts to continuously change the circumstances they are in). Deep inside gut types have the feeling that they are unimportant.

People who get their basic energy from the emotional centre called heart types. The basic emotion is grief and shame. These types are focused on feelings, emotions, (personal) relationships and the past. The true purpose of the emotional centre is a deep emotional understanding of connectedness, who we really are and how relationships work. At the level of the ego, heart types use this gift to get other people to like them, react them, or make them the centre of attention. They are often preoccupied with their own identity and image. Heart types (subconsciously) believe they can only feel worthy through contact with other people. They want other people to see them in a good light and look for approval from others. Heart types have a deep conviction that they are not worthy of being loved.

People with mental basic energy are called head types. The basic emotion is fear and insecurity. Main types are focused on thinking, information, how to make decisions and the future. The true purpose of the mental centre is quiet, objective inner knowing. At the level of the ego, head types believe that information and objectivity makes someone valuable and useful. For them it is important to find and understand underlying principles. They assume that only abstract knowledge is authentic and uncorrupted and therefore tend to ignore information from other centres. Relationships are usually entered ​​on the basis of intellectual identification, without emotional involvement. In this way, head types understand experiences in an abstract manner, without having to risk experiencing possible anxiety or emotional pain. Deep inside, head types are struggling with a fundamental sense of incompetence.

How can you make a distinction between the types that use the same dominant centre?

The gut types (8, 9 and 1) are focused on safety, instinctive reactions and being. Enneatype 8 wants to be and feel strong, and is not afraid to show his or her anger. Enneatype 9 is accommodating and usually not in touch with his or her own anger (which comes out as passive - aggressive resistance). Enneatype 1 sets high standards for him/herself and others and usually suppresses his/her emotions.

The heart types (2 , 3 and 4) are focused on feelings , emotions and relationships. Enneatype 2 (subconsciously) suppresses his or her own needs, cares for the (perceived needs of) others instead and in doing so wants to be seen be as a loving person. Enneatype 3 seeks admiration and confirmation by being successful and by being identified with that success. Enneatype 4 is looking for love by being different and special.

The head types (5, 6 and 7) are focused on thinking, information and how to make decisions. Enneatype 5 seeks security by withdrawing from the real world into the head and a world of knowledge and facts. Enneatype 6 seeks security in rules, structure and predictability. Enneatype 7 lives in a world of plans and activities and looks for security by avoiding negative emotions.

As you read these descriptions, you might start having your suspicions where to look for your enneatype. If you recognize yourself in two categories, you might switch between dominant centres in different situations. In addition, types 3, 6 and 9 in particular are generally not too aware of their preferred centre because they are cut off from it.  So this might also create some confusion.

Observes your centres the coming weeks and see if you can find out which centre is dominant in you and which one(s) you hardly use at all. Next time we examine the co-operation between the centres in each ennatype.

Questions and comments are always welcome! And by all means, Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

If you want professional help understanding and balancing your centres you can always book a personal (Skype) Life Coaching session with me.

Want to know more? You might want to check out:
Riso & Hudson / 'Understanding the Enneagram - the practical guide to personality types'
Riso & Hudson / The Wisdom of the Enneagram
Hurley & Dobson / 'What’s my type?’

In my next few blogs, I will dive deeper into the building blocks and motivations of the 9 different enneatypes. Today we will take a look at the various basic energies of a human being. In the tradition of G. I. Gurdjieff (who introduced the enneagram in the West) these are often called centres (of intelligence).

Every human being has (or consists of) three basic energies or centres:
- The head, or the mental centre,
- The heart, or the emotional centre and
- The body, or the physical centre.

The true purpose of the three centres has to do with oneness, objective consciousness, spirituality and our essence. The real purpose of the mental centre is quiet, objective inner knowing and a clear vision of life. The true role of the emotional centre in order to bring about connectedness. It is the centre of desire, understanding and spiritual intuition. The true purpose of the physical centre is to really be in the here and now, to bring us in motion and to use our energies to realize our life’s purpose. It is the centre of expression, creativity and freedom. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The 'normal' state of affairs in most humans is that none of these three centres are functioning in accordance with their true purpose. Ouch! In small children (who are still in touch with their essence), this is still the case. Yey! Unfortunately, once our ego (sense of ‘I’) is activated, the physical centre will start reacting to stress and pain by contracting and removing (part of) our consciousness from the part that hurts. Therefore we are no longer (completely) in contact with our essence. The emotional centre responds by trying to fill the void with other people’s emotions and beliefs and a false identity. This creates a state of deep (existential) anxiety, causing the mental centre to think up various survival strategies, which causes us to contract even more etc. Before long, the centres are only concerned with the preservation of the ego. (Double-ouch! - and if you do not feel any 'ouch' at all, then you really have a problem - or perhaps no problem at all... at least it is something to think about...)

If the mental centre is in the service of the ego, the head is constantly thinking about anything and everything, it is a nonstop chatterbox that just will - not - shut - up. Blah blahblah blah blahblah... The fact is, we live in a constant state of tension and anxiety. To avoid feeling this pain, the head is continuously looking for explanations and searching for strategies to ‘fix our problems’. Recognizable? Not at all? You might recognize this process as something called ‘worrying’.

When the emotional centre under the influence of the ego, it keeps itself busy with mechanical feelings, sentiments, attachment and instinctive emotions such as fear, sadness, frustration, embarrassment, powerlessness etc. Any random impression from the outside world will elicit a pre-programmed emotional response. You may recognize it as: ‘... and again I responded exactly in the same way I always do, even though I was determined to it differently this time!’.

If the physical centre in the service of the ego, we are usually not very aware of our body. In the meantime, our bodies are constantly bracing for impact against any ‘real’ or imagined threat. So we put a 'boundary' between our 'self' and 'danger'. On the other side of the 'border' we feel safe. The result is usually a range of aches and pains, which we can ignore it for a while, but eventually real physical symptoms will manifest.

In effect, all of our centres have been kidnapped by the ego. But before we blame the ego for everything, it is good to remember that (at least in childhood) the ego was only trying to protect us from pain. Most of us lost our connection to essence at a very young age. The ego constructed a false identity to compensate for the loss of contact with our Real Self, so that we did and do not have to feel pain all the time. In other words, being Ego might not be all it is cracked up to be either? The question remains, how much protection do you still need from pain as an adult? How much ego do you really need now?

Oh, oh, oh – what to do, what to do?
Can help our centres to connect with their true purpose again?
The short answer is...
Yes.
But ... it does take some effort.

The good news is that it does not really matter where we start. If we start working on resistance and tension in the body, we will soon enough be confronted with underlying emotions, fears, limiting beliefs and mental strategies. It also works the other way around. It seems , however, that the most efficient place to start, is to start working on the centre that is cut-off or suppressed. More about this in the coming two blogs…

Questions and comments are always welcome! And please Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

If you want professional help working on (balancing) your centres you can always book a personal Life Coaching session with me.

Want to know more? You might want to check out:
Riso & Hudson / 'Understanding the Enneagram - the practical guide to personality types'
Hurley & Dobson / 'What’s my type?’

Which enneatype am I? This is usually one of the first questions I get when I tell people that I work with the Enneagram. It may seem easy to determine somebody’s enneatype (also called personality type). After all, you only have 9 to choose from - how hard could it possibly be? 

As a matter of fact, it can be quite tricky. Nowadays, it usually only takes me a few minutes of interaction to reduce the list to 2 or 3 potential ennea-candidates. Finding the basic enneatype, however, often requires more work. In addition, there is still some debate about whether you are one type, or rather have all the types in you?

What is an enneatype anyway? In my previous blog (and on my website), you can find a description of the Enneagram used as a process model. Just as a reminder: the nine points along the perimeter of the circle describe the 9 different phases of a process.

The 9 enneatypes correspond to the energies of these phases. For example enneatype 1 (the perfectionist) usually occupies himself with the desires and intentions of a situation and how things can be improved. Enneatype 2 (the helper) is investigating how she can help others, and makes the effort to do so etc. (If you want to know more about the ‘typical’ behaviour of each enneatype, check out the descriptions of the enneatypes and characteristic defence mechanisms). 

How do we choose our enneatype? The 'preference' for a specific enneatype (or rather: a specific kind of enneatypical behaviour) is based on (subconscious) avoidance strategies rather than on a 'positive' choice of a personality type. In short: as a baby, you experience everything as ‘one’, every moment is ‘complete’ and you have no likes or dislikes. Inevitably, however, the time comes when you begin to realize that you are a separate individual (you're hungry, for example, but do not get fed immediately). Separation is always painful and often associated with fear. Enneatypical behaviour is an automated strategy to avoid that pain. Your chosen basic ennea-strategy is probably already determined before or at your birth.

Now, there are different schools in ennea-land with regard to the number of strategies used per person. Some believe that you are one type. Others take the more dynamic view that every person has all types in them.

The Enneagram is a model that summarizes the laws of the universe in one symbol. It is based on the based on the premise that we all come forth from ‘oneness’, 'unity' or 'source‘. If we come from a place of oneness, then to me, it is logical to conclude that we are a whole enneagram and thus, in principle, have access to all types and energies. This does not mean we have no preferences. 

My personal experience is that I have two almost equally strong strategies in me, namely the behavior of enneatype 9 (the mediator) and that of enneatype 5 (the observer). In addition, I use quite often defence mechanisms of different types. I have been very fearful at times (e.g. too afraid to drive a car for six years) with a focus on potential problems rather than solutions, in line with enneatype 6 (the loyalist). When my daughter was born, I was suddenly overwhelmed by enneatype 2 (the helper) behaviour. I suppressed my own needs and started to decide for others (including my husband) what they needed (which makes a lot of sense, if you are in the mother energy and need to decide everything for your child). Some time ago I got stuck in a phase when everything was fun to the point where I found myself rationalizing away pain like enneatype 7 (the optimist). Not wanting to complain too much about that phase (who does not want to have fun?), the fun achieved by avoiding negative emotions (read my blog Avoiding pain - at any cost?) tends to come with a price tag attached to it…

So, which type am I? In terms of behaviour, I now have a couple of coats to choose from. In terms of my deepest motivations I tend to identify mostly with the harmony seeking 9. Which incidentally is also easily identifies with all the other types. So, maybe I am ‘only’ a 9 after all?

Or maybe it does not really matter whether we 'are' one type or many… The beauty of the Enneagram is that many visions happily co-exist side by side within the same symbol. The enneagram can, for example, also be viewed as a model of the spiritual development of a human being. As a matter of fact, you can project anything you like on the enneagram – in that sense it is a perfect mirror. And that is the only way things could be – the enneagram is, after all, a model that summarizes the basic laws on the universe in one symbol. 

***

Today we have explored the concept of the 'enneatype' and where our personality type comes from. In three upcoming blogs we will dive even deeper into the energies of the enneagram and the basics of how to recognise our own ennea-strategies (as well as those of others). 

Questions and comments are always welcome! Please Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

If you want professional help determining your dominant enneatype(s) you can always book a personal Life Coaching session with me. 

Have you ever noticed how hard it often is to complete projects? Take New Year’s resolutions, or the beginning of a new School year, for example. How often have you started full of enthusiasm? ‘This year I 'm going to do it differently! Now I'm really going to eat less / exercise more / work less / say no more often / be nicer ....................................... (your resolution here)’. 

A few weeks, or – at the latest – one month later... The impulse is long gone, daily life and routines take over, your willpower is weakening day by day… Before you know it, you are back to square one. There is always an excuse… I’m too tired, too restless, family visits, no time, I will just skip one day and do it tomorrow, I will start for sure – next week… Does this ring any bells?

Why is it that we so often start a process, yet are unable to finish it?

If we take the Enneagram as a model, every process consists of nine main phases. Here, as an example – the making of a chocolate cake (Yum!):

The circle in the enneagram represents linear time: 
Waiting for an impulse (9 fragile harmony). You are going to have guests (1 desire, intention) and you decide to make a chocolate cake. You check what ingredients you still have at home (2 effort) and get the rest from the shops (3 action, impulse from the outside). You mix the ingredients (4 creation, refining) and put the cake in the oven (5 transformation). If the cake is ready (6 feedback), you take it out. You decorate the cake (7 innovation, manifestation) and receive appreciation for the result (8 control, enjoyment). The cake has been eaten, harmony is restored and you are waiting for a new impulse (9 harmony).

Now, that seems pretty doable, right? Well, yes and no. The enneagram is an expression of different laws (the law of one (green circle), the law of three (red triangle), the law of seven (the blue irregular hexagram)). In order to complete a process, you have to travel through the enneagram 3 times along the hexagram. Every time the blue hexagram crosses the red triangle, something shifts in the energy of process. This means that you have a grand total of 36 (!) opportunities to mess it up! And suddenly it all starts becoming a lot less doable… As a matter of fact it is something of a miracle that any processes get finished at all…

Usually we have our own 'favourite' moments where we stumble (and sometimes fall) in a process. Some people are great at planning (1), but not so great at actually doing the work involved in making them reality: they cannot find the right ingredients (2,3) or feel that the actual mixing too much hard work (4) and so they start planning a new project instead (1). Some do not have the patience to wait until their cake is ready (5) and take it out too soon (6), or they wait to long and burn their cake. Others make it to the manifestation phase (7), but forget to really make it their own or to enjoy their labour (8) and rest (9) before jumping into a new project again. 

Luckily, help is at hand! Using this process model and various coaching techniques, it is possible to find the individual key moments where a person tends to get stuck in his of her processes. These key points are very often related to subconscious beliefs and / or suppressed (instinctive) emotions, such as anger, grief, shame or frustration. The good news is that these beliefs and emotions can be seen, felt and integrated, thereby allowing for an overall smoother ride through the land of projects and processes!

The upcoming weeks and months I will publish a series of Enneagram blogs. If you cannot wait and want to know more right now, check out my Enneagram pages and the information on Life Coaching on my website or book a personal Life Coaching session with me.

Questions and comments are always welcome! And by all means Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

You know those turning points in life? Something happens and you just know that nothing will ever be the same again. They seem to come around once in a decade, or so. I have had a few and still remember every one of them as if they happened yesterday.

The latest major turning point: April 2014 - A sunny, cold spring week near Norrköping, Sweden. Primal Therapy: without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done or been through in my whole life. Imagine giving birth seven days on a row - while running a marathon at the same time - and you start getting the picture. After having followed all sorts of personal development and spiritual courses and therapies for a decade, I thought I had a pretty good idea about the different patterns controlling my life. But there was so much more and it went so much deeper than I could have imagined. 

From both family lineages I have inherited a deep, deep fear and distrust of life. Patterns of dissociation, addictions and living a life of death. A need to suppress life, by controlling the self and others through judgment, victimhood or checking out. All these energies still present in MY body, like a sticky, black, sickening substance, infiltrating every organ and every cell.

Me, totally carrying on with the family heritage, not feeling safe in my body, tuning out, addicted to food and comfort, keeping my anger & life force down, believing that if I could just control events and people around me, I would some day feel safe enough to be here, to live. To my shame, this included trying to control my daughter, squashing her life force and spirit. Not because anyone is or was evil (it is not about blame), but because these patterns are so damn hard to break.

All events from the past, including starvation, abuse and wars, the voices of our parents, are still stored in our bodies. Almost all of us are stuck at the emotional level of a 3 year old our whole lives, and we do not even know it. We think we are free, but in reality, we just keep on repeating (or rebelling against) the way our mothers, fathers and ancestors lived. Generation after generation after generation…
 
One week of Primal Therapy and things feel different, lighter somehow (and I am not talking about the extra kilos I lost in the process). The unexpected discovery: all those voices, all that baggage – it is not me. It was never me! I want to be here! I WANT TO LIVE! I had no idea what this body and spirit were capable of, the force that lies inside. I am DONE with living a life of death. From now on I choose FREEDOM and LIFE! 

It is a truly transformative process. One of the most rewarding things that happened so far is to see the change in my daughter and our interaction. She feels so joyful, vibrant and alive and even though she still has her temper and moods, I can finally allow her to be who she is, without trying to control her so that I can feel safe. It is a true blessing. 

And this is only the beginning. Sure, there is a lot of work ahead, but at least now I feel that I have a real shot at actually becoming who I came to be. Feeling like a newborn baby, I have no clue what is coming, but I am ready to trust –knowing with absolute certainty that life will never be the same again. 

Want to know more? Check out:
What is Primal Therapy?
Primal Therapy with Puja
Ground Zero Primal

You can post your comments and questions in the Comments field below, on FaceBook or send me an e-mail and I will do my best to answer. 

We have had a remarkably soft winter in the Netherlands. Temperatures above zero the whole time. Not even a hint of snow. Now, in the first week of February, the sun is shining from a clear light blue sky, birds are singing, the first spring bulbs are flowering. Wonderful, you might think – no dark and cold winter, give me all that spring energy, the more the better…

Me? Not so thrilled. It started about two weeks ago. Out of the blue my body started to feel a bit stiff. Suddenly, my muscles became tired faster than before, my tendons inflexible, small injuries popped up after the same exercise routine that had caused no problems at all during the past three months.

My mind is filled with plans and ideas, which seems like a great thing. Still, somehow I am unable to get anything done. The list of things that need to be done is growing by the hour, yet I am unable to cross anything over. It is almost as if the universe is conspiring to make sure that no task can be completed – either because I cannot seem to focus or because I am dependent on an impulse from somewhere or someone else, which just does not seem to arrive. I am feeling overwhelmed by all the things (I think) I need to do to the point where I become paralyzed and just sit and stare at my list of things to do – or start surfing aimlessly on social forums to have at least some sense of being busy with something.  

I am sorry to say that all these things do not exactly enhance my mood either. I have been doing quite a lot of anger work during the past few months. All the pillows in my practice room are now all 100% dust free, from the severe beatings they have taken. Things were calming down again. Not so anymore – these days I am afraid that my stick will break in half if the current trend continues. Big time frustration going on. I feel what I imagine a pressure cooker must be feeling – the steam building up inside, more and more… until the inevitable explosion…

And from what I hear, I am not the only one…

What is going on? One of my hypotheses…

According to Chinese Philosophy the world can be divided into five elements: Water, Wood, Fire, Earth and Metal. It is intuitively easy to understand that they also feed each other (Water feeds Wood, which feeds Fire etc). In addition Water corresponds to winter and Wood to spring. The transition from winter (Water) to spring (Wood) is the most extreme energetic transition, since we go from maximum Yin (winter, quiet, cold, hard) into the explosive and growing Yang energy of spring (think about a tiny weed determined to grow through the asphalt). This abrupt change is why many people also suffer from so-called spring tiredness. 

So, what do we have here? We have had an extremely short and warm winter, which means that our Water element has had limited time to ‘recharge’ itself. Suddenly, and way too early, the growing energy of Wood is introduced into our systems. The transition is difficult at best, never mind this time. Is it any wonder that there may be some growing pains in the form of stiffness and inflexible tendons (tissue of the Wood element), bouts of creativity and planning (tasks of the Liver, Wood organ), explosive, frustrated feelings and anger (emotions of Wood)? 

What can you do, if you are not sailing smoothly through this transition? 

• Take enough rest, go easy on yourself, get a nice massage, perhaps some shiatsu or acupuncture… These are all good ways to feed the Water element. 
  
• If you are having trouble with excessive frustration or anger, I can really recommend 5-10 minutes of anger work a day. If done properly, you will feel exhausted and way calmer afterwards. 
  
• Enjoy the creativity as much as you can, find new outlets and if it is all too much, break it down into small, manageable tasks… Like me, right now… No need to finish every writing and marketing task I can imagine doing this year in one week. One blog is enough…for now.

Most people will do just about anything to avoid pain. 

If we get too close to a hot stove or an open fire, our body naturally recoils from the heat to protect itself. If we trip and fall on the street, or are about to crash our car, our bodies will brace for impact in an attempt to protect the body and avoid pain. It is a natural instinct, if something hurts, we want to get away from it.

The interesting thing is that most of us show this reaction not only to imminent physically threatening events, but also to imaginary (future or past) events.

Just a small experiment… Close your eyes and picture yourself standing on top of a flight of stairs. Let’s make it a nice and hard polished marble staircase. Feel the unyielding solidity of the stone under your feet. Now… feel your body leaning forward, until you lose your balance and start falling headfirst down the stairs. In slow motion you see the sharp edges coming closer and closer. You know there is nothing you can do to stop the fall. You are microseconds away from crashing your body into the hard stone… Full impact…NOW!

I do not know about you, but if I feel or sense my way through this sequence, I involuntarily start contracting different parts of my body – my stomach muscles contract, my shoulders tense up, my neck and jaw muscles become stiff – all in an attempt to avoid the (imagined!) impact. In my physical ‘reality’ NOTHING is going on, yet, my mind is unable to tell the difference, with the result that my body reacts the same way as if I were actually falling down a flight of stairs.

Fascinating, isn’t it? As you can imagine, this holds true not only for physical pain, but also for different kinds of (imagined or ‘real’) emotional pain.

The words, ‘I hate you!’ will – if uttered with the frequency of pure anger and hatred appropriate for such a statement – create a bodily sensation in anyone receiving it. It is simple physics. Intuitively this is perhaps easiest to understand in relation to sound. In the same way that you can feel the beat of a good bass rhythm in your body if you turn up the volume enough, music, words and other sounds also resonate in your bodily tissues (whether you are actively aware of it or not).

Not only will the (audible) sound of the words move through your body though, the emotion will as well. It is all energy. The only difference is in the frequency (sound) of the emotion, which is higher, and outside our range of hearing.

And that is all! … Or rather, this is how it could be:
Hateful words are uttered. They move through our body. We feel them. We move on.
However, for most of us, the story does not end there. Because we resist.

Most people, including me, do not truly want to feel negative emotions. Negative emotions feel uncomfortable. They feel bad. They feel painful. Or rather, most people associate negative emotions with pain, suffering and feeling bad in their mind. Just as with the example of the staircase, the image of pain in our heads (whether ‘real’ or imagined) causes our bodies to contract. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Nonetheless, contraction never feels good (just try contracting all your muscles and then let them go all at once - the relaxed state sure feels better).

And most people just want to feel good. What is wrong with that? Well, nothing, of course… given a choice everyone would choose to feel good over bad. The problem is: life simply does not always feel good. Yet, most of us are trapped by elaborate strategies to avoid feeling pain and resist whatever does not feel good.

Sooner or later we will encounter a situation that feels painful, whether it is emotional or physical pain. For most of us this happens sooner, rather than later. Starting the first time our parents do not come immediately when we cry, the first time we are hungry and do not get milk immediately, the first time we fall and are not comforted but are told to toughen up, the first time we are jumping up and down in anger, but are prevented from expressing our full will by well meaning parents who try to distract us instead. It happens to all of us, over and over and over again. So we build walls around ourselves to avoid feeling the pain. 

There are many different systems that describe these walls. One of my favourites is the enneagram. This system recognizes nine different defence mechanisms and strategies for avoiding pain. 
… There’s a silver lining to every cloud. Let’s do something fun instead (7).
… Others may have issues, but I certainly do not. I am in control (8).
… I do not really need anything anyway. Let me help you instead (2).
… I need to know more about this (5).
… I need to adjust my response or fix this to make it perfect (1).
… There’s something wrong with me, I am not worthy of a life without pain (4).
… It is your fault. I need structure to feel safe (6).
… Failure is not an option. I can turn this into a success (3).
… If everything would be peaceful all would be well (9). 

My preferred strategy is to tune out. I will just disappear into my head (either going into dream mode (9) or analyzing my feelings(5)) or get out of my body completely (9). Because if I am not really here, I cannot feel pain (nor any real happiness, but that’s just the price that has to be paid). Another favourite of mine is to comfort and numb myself with food, chocolate, tv… or anything else that will give me a sense of ‘fullness’ (9) – so I do not have to actually feel the emptiness inside me. 

This has worked reasonably well for the past 40 years (note that the words ‘reasonably well’ are yet another 9-strategy: ‘I’m fine… it’s OK as it is…’). Do not get me wrong – defence mechanisms are a necessary part of the life of most children. And yes, a healthy sense of fear is a handy thing to have when you are standing on the edge of the abyss. But… I am 40 years old. Do I really still need all these strategies??? And another question: what is it costing me to keep up these defences?

During the past few months I have had quite a ride with regard to my (ego)defences. Although I have worked with the enneagram for a decade or so, it seems I never truly believed that it was possible to transcend these mechanisms. After all, we need some kind of ego in order to interact with other people. Even with people who are clearly higher up the spiritual ladder (guru’s and such), different enneatypical behaviours are still recognizable. 

Obviously, I still have not transcended all my mechanisms. I feel things changing, though, more than ever before. Two keys for actually wanting to change things was 1) to fully see and accept that my defence mechanisms are still very much active at a subconscious level and 2) the realization how much my defences are costing me. 

In my case, tuning out and numbing myself in order not to fully feel has been the biggest energy thief of my life. I thought I just had low energy reserves and needed to be really careful with my body, my activities, how I spent my time and with whom I interacted. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the more I actively engage in my life, the more I exercise, the more I connect with the anger I feel inside – the more energy I get, the more alive I feel and the more free I feel to be myself. And paradoxically – the more I allow negative emotions and pain in my system by staying present regardless of what presents itself – the better I feel.

So, take another look at the list of pain avoidance strategies above. You just might recognize yourself in one or two of these typical behaviours… and ask yourself how much your resistance and defences against pain are costing you? 

Is it a price worth paying?

I must have been about eight or nine years old when my teacher at school asked each pupil in the class to write and illustrate his or her own fairy tale. When the project was finished, I held the end product in my hands – a yellow exercise book with orange dots containing a story about a princess. I do not even remember how the story went. What I do remember is the feeling of holding that book in my hand and realizing that the story did not feel like mine at all. It was no unique creation, but rather a mix of regurgitated fragments of tales I had read before. Although I loved to write, after that day, that feeling stayed with me – a voice at the back of my head, whispering to me that I was telling somebody else’s stories and not my own.

As I became older, my writing gradually became less and less free. The more I tried to follow ‘the rules’, the more difficult it became to write. The more difficult it became, the more pressure I put on myself to get it right. Writing a simple essay or column felt like the wrestling match of the century. I simply could not relax into the process and let the words come – I had to control them. I felt stifled by the form I thought was imposed by others on my writing. Although, in reality, I was being suffocated by the harness of rules and perfection, in which I had encased myself.

When I went to university, I basically gave up creative writing and focused on my scientific career instead. In science, the rules of writing are uncompromising; the structure of a scientific paper, including the placement of every dot and comma is predetermined. In essence, the rules imposed from the outside were even more constricting than my own. Strangely enough, at some level, it felt like a relief. I did not need to be creative; I did not have show myself or be myself, at all. At another level, after following those rules for ten years, after writing other people’s stories for a decade, every cell in my body was aching to be free.

I embarked on a journey of personal development and self-discovery. Peeling off layer after layer of protecting armour that was clouding my mind, encasing my body and surrounding my heart. Allowing my mind to absorb new knowledge beyond the conventional. Allowing my body to feel its pain and to express itself freely in movement. Allowing my heart to open up and express itself through my voice. Opening myself up to the present moment.

One day, I felt words inside, words wanting to be released. A hesitant start, taking baby steps, unsure what was expected of me, how to navigate this uncharted territory. Being afraid that it was going to feel like before, that I would freeze, that nothing would come out. Grappling internally with my self worth – or lack thereof: What could I possibly have to say that would interest anyone? Incredibly afraid that my writing was not going to be enough; that I was not going to be good enough. A that moment a friend gave me the decisive push I so needed. ‘Milena’, she said, ‘I want you to write something to me, every day for the next two weeks’. The topic: ‘What I love about myself’.

I had tried free writing exercises before. For me, they had never worked. For some unfathomable reason, this did. The exercise gave me just enough structure to be able to find the beginnings of a shape, yet was boundless enough to encourage free fall. I started writing whatever came into my mind and miraculously a structure and distinct style started to develop from within.

I found out that I love writing about nature and the connectedness that can be experienced in the natural world. I look at all the ugly things in this world and give myself permission to change my perception and find beauty, even when my mental and emotional habits are telling me otherwise. I enjoy contemplating spiritual and existential questions – trying to feel and understand what this whole life experience is all about. And I adore the feeling when the words come out just right, engaging all the senses and capturing that fleeting moment of clarity. 

The process of writing always was (and still is) a perfect mirror of the level of freedom I feel and the room I have within myself to be myself. As long as I am not free to be myself, I cannot express what I feel inside. I cannot tell my own story. That 8 year-old girl already knew this. So she embarked on a journey, determined to find her own voice and her own story. She has travelled a long way, and has a long way to travel still; opening up to the present moment and whatever wants to be seen. In the process discovering that it is not so much about writing her own story, as it is about allowing life to tell its story through her.

The other day my daughter was playing with my old smurfs. All music smurfs were grouped together in and around the smurf house. Other smurfs were divided into groups on the basis of other characteristics. Then I noticed that one smurf was all alone in a corner, on the other side of the room. The angry smurf .

I asked my daughter why that smurf was standing all alone, so far away.
- "I do not like him," was the reply.
- "Why don’t you like him?", I asked .
- "Because he is angry," she replied.
- "Is that the reason he has to be alone? Maybe he is very sad being there all alone? Can’t he play with the others? ", I asked.
- "No, he stays there. I do NOT like him!", she said .
End of discussion.

Mirror, mirror on the wall ... From where do I recognize this behaviour? Purely hypothetically speaking... Could it be that Mom has some tiny issues with disharmony in general and anger in particular? Could it be that Mom occasionally gets quite annoyed by the “I-want-to-decide-everything-myself “ attitude of a little 5 year old? Could it be that Mom totally loses it from time to time? Could it be that the voices in Mom's head are judging her without mercy and that she feels extremely guilty for not being able to control her anger? Could it be that Mom does not really want to feel anger at all? Could it be that Mom sends her anger way into a corner far away? Could it be that the anger is actually quite sad, but that the anger is rejected just because Mum does not like it? Like an angry smurf who is not allowed to play with the other smurfs… Could it be?

Later that night the angry smurf was still standing alone in the naughty corner. I reached out to my daughter again:
- "You know what, I think that the angry smurf feels very sad and alone. And you know what, just because someone looks angry or does angry things does not mean that this person is also angry at the core, deep inside. Why don’t we let him play with the other smurfs?” 
- "No," she replied.
- "But how would you feel yourself as you felt angry and no one wanted to play with you?", I asked .
- ... (Some deep thinking going on, no answer )
- "You know what, he feels so sad to me that I want to send him some light from my heart. Which colour do you think he would like?”, I asked.
- "Maybe purple," she said .
- “What a good idea, I will send purple light... Look, he is all purple and happy inside. He still looks very angry on the outside, but he is quite different on the inside.
- "I will send him a colour as well," my daughter said. "Now he is purple, light and happy inside ... I think he's sweet." She walked over to the angry smurf in the corner, picked him up and put him down with the music smurfs. And from that moment onwards the angry smurf was allowed to play with the other smurfs again. 
---

- “Mum.”
- "Yes?"
- "You do understand that smurfs are just toys, don’t you?”
- "Mmm - hmm."