In the Enneagram, the physical energy enters at point 9. The emotional energy enters at point 3. The mental energy enters at point 6. By looking at the enneatypes that go with and the ones alongside these points, we can classify the types into three categories : instinctive / gut (8,9,1), heart (2,3,4) and head (5,6,7) types.

People with a physical basic energy are also called instinctive or gut types. The basic emotion of these enneatypes is anger. These types tend to focus on safety, instinctive reactions and being. Gut types resist being in the present. The true purpose of the physical centre is to sense and be physically present in the here and now and to use our energy to reach our real goals (realizing our life’s purpose). At the level of the ego, this energy is (sometimes openly and sometimes in a passive-aggressive manner) used to gain a certain power or influence Consciously or subconsciously, belly types are concerned with questions of safety and strength in relation to others. By creating clear boundaries (or by dissociating) these types can avoid contact with (the physical) reality. In some ways, gut types show a certain hostility towards everything and everyone – including themselves. They are rarely satisfied with things the way they are and use their energy to protect themselves (if necessary by attempts to continuously change the circumstances they are in). Deep inside gut types have the feeling that they are unimportant.

People who get their basic energy from the emotional centre called heart types. The basic emotion is grief and shame. These types are focused on feelings, emotions, (personal) relationships and the past. The true purpose of the emotional centre is a deep emotional understanding of connectedness, who we really are and how relationships work. At the level of the ego, heart types use this gift to get other people to like them, react them, or make them the centre of attention. They are often preoccupied with their own identity and image. Heart types (subconsciously) believe they can only feel worthy through contact with other people. They want other people to see them in a good light and look for approval from others. Heart types have a deep conviction that they are not worthy of being loved.

People with mental basic energy are called head types. The basic emotion is fear and insecurity. Main types are focused on thinking, information, how to make decisions and the future. The true purpose of the mental centre is quiet, objective inner knowing. At the level of the ego, head types believe that information and objectivity makes someone valuable and useful. For them it is important to find and understand underlying principles. They assume that only abstract knowledge is authentic and uncorrupted and therefore tend to ignore information from other centres. Relationships are usually entered ​​on the basis of intellectual identification, without emotional involvement. In this way, head types understand experiences in an abstract manner, without having to risk experiencing possible anxiety or emotional pain. Deep inside, head types are struggling with a fundamental sense of incompetence.

How can you make a distinction between the types that use the same dominant centre?

The gut types (8, 9 and 1) are focused on safety, instinctive reactions and being. Enneatype 8 wants to be and feel strong, and is not afraid to show his or her anger. Enneatype 9 is accommodating and usually not in touch with his or her own anger (which comes out as passive - aggressive resistance). Enneatype 1 sets high standards for him/herself and others and usually suppresses his/her emotions.

The heart types (2 , 3 and 4) are focused on feelings , emotions and relationships. Enneatype 2 (subconsciously) suppresses his or her own needs, cares for the (perceived needs of) others instead and in doing so wants to be seen be as a loving person. Enneatype 3 seeks admiration and confirmation by being successful and by being identified with that success. Enneatype 4 is looking for love by being different and special.

The head types (5, 6 and 7) are focused on thinking, information and how to make decisions. Enneatype 5 seeks security by withdrawing from the real world into the head and a world of knowledge and facts. Enneatype 6 seeks security in rules, structure and predictability. Enneatype 7 lives in a world of plans and activities and looks for security by avoiding negative emotions.

As you read these descriptions, you might start having your suspicions where to look for your enneatype. If you recognize yourself in two categories, you might switch between dominant centres in different situations. In addition, types 3, 6 and 9 in particular are generally not too aware of their preferred centre because they are cut off from it.  So this might also create some confusion.

Observes your centres the coming weeks and see if you can find out which centre is dominant in you and which one(s) you hardly use at all. Next time we examine the co-operation between the centres in each ennatype.

Questions and comments are always welcome! And by all means, Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

If you want professional help understanding and balancing your centres you can always book a personal (Skype) Life Coaching session with me.

Want to know more? You might want to check out:
Riso & Hudson / 'Understanding the Enneagram - the practical guide to personality types'
Riso & Hudson / The Wisdom of the Enneagram
Hurley & Dobson / 'What’s my type?’

In my next few blogs, I will dive deeper into the building blocks and motivations of the 9 different enneatypes. Today we will take a look at the various basic energies of a human being. In the tradition of G. I. Gurdjieff (who introduced the enneagram in the West) these are often called centres (of intelligence).

Every human being has (or consists of) three basic energies or centres:
- The head, or the mental centre,
- The heart, or the emotional centre and
- The body, or the physical centre.

The true purpose of the three centres has to do with oneness, objective consciousness, spirituality and our essence. The real purpose of the mental centre is quiet, objective inner knowing and a clear vision of life. The true role of the emotional centre in order to bring about connectedness. It is the centre of desire, understanding and spiritual intuition. The true purpose of the physical centre is to really be in the here and now, to bring us in motion and to use our energies to realize our life’s purpose. It is the centre of expression, creativity and freedom. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The 'normal' state of affairs in most humans is that none of these three centres are functioning in accordance with their true purpose. Ouch! In small children (who are still in touch with their essence), this is still the case. Yey! Unfortunately, once our ego (sense of ‘I’) is activated, the physical centre will start reacting to stress and pain by contracting and removing (part of) our consciousness from the part that hurts. Therefore we are no longer (completely) in contact with our essence. The emotional centre responds by trying to fill the void with other people’s emotions and beliefs and a false identity. This creates a state of deep (existential) anxiety, causing the mental centre to think up various survival strategies, which causes us to contract even more etc. Before long, the centres are only concerned with the preservation of the ego. (Double-ouch! - and if you do not feel any 'ouch' at all, then you really have a problem - or perhaps no problem at all... at least it is something to think about...)

If the mental centre is in the service of the ego, the head is constantly thinking about anything and everything, it is a nonstop chatterbox that just will - not - shut - up. Blah blahblah blah blahblah... The fact is, we live in a constant state of tension and anxiety. To avoid feeling this pain, the head is continuously looking for explanations and searching for strategies to ‘fix our problems’. Recognizable? Not at all? You might recognize this process as something called ‘worrying’.

When the emotional centre under the influence of the ego, it keeps itself busy with mechanical feelings, sentiments, attachment and instinctive emotions such as fear, sadness, frustration, embarrassment, powerlessness etc. Any random impression from the outside world will elicit a pre-programmed emotional response. You may recognize it as: ‘... and again I responded exactly in the same way I always do, even though I was determined to it differently this time!’.

If the physical centre in the service of the ego, we are usually not very aware of our body. In the meantime, our bodies are constantly bracing for impact against any ‘real’ or imagined threat. So we put a 'boundary' between our 'self' and 'danger'. On the other side of the 'border' we feel safe. The result is usually a range of aches and pains, which we can ignore it for a while, but eventually real physical symptoms will manifest.

In effect, all of our centres have been kidnapped by the ego. But before we blame the ego for everything, it is good to remember that (at least in childhood) the ego was only trying to protect us from pain. Most of us lost our connection to essence at a very young age. The ego constructed a false identity to compensate for the loss of contact with our Real Self, so that we did and do not have to feel pain all the time. In other words, being Ego might not be all it is cracked up to be either? The question remains, how much protection do you still need from pain as an adult? How much ego do you really need now?

Oh, oh, oh – what to do, what to do?
Can help our centres to connect with their true purpose again?
The short answer is...
Yes.
But ... it does take some effort.

The good news is that it does not really matter where we start. If we start working on resistance and tension in the body, we will soon enough be confronted with underlying emotions, fears, limiting beliefs and mental strategies. It also works the other way around. It seems , however, that the most efficient place to start, is to start working on the centre that is cut-off or suppressed. More about this in the coming two blogs…

Questions and comments are always welcome! And please Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

If you want professional help working on (balancing) your centres you can always book a personal Life Coaching session with me.

Want to know more? You might want to check out:
Riso & Hudson / 'Understanding the Enneagram - the practical guide to personality types'
Hurley & Dobson / 'What’s my type?’

Which enneatype am I? This is usually one of the first questions I get when I tell people that I work with the Enneagram. It may seem easy to determine somebody’s enneatype (also called personality type). After all, you only have 9 to choose from - how hard could it possibly be? 

As a matter of fact, it can be quite tricky. Nowadays, it usually only takes me a few minutes of interaction to reduce the list to 2 or 3 potential ennea-candidates. Finding the basic enneatype, however, often requires more work. In addition, there is still some debate about whether you are one type, or rather have all the types in you?

What is an enneatype anyway? In my previous blog (and on my website), you can find a description of the Enneagram used as a process model. Just as a reminder: the nine points along the perimeter of the circle describe the 9 different phases of a process.

The 9 enneatypes correspond to the energies of these phases. For example enneatype 1 (the perfectionist) usually occupies himself with the desires and intentions of a situation and how things can be improved. Enneatype 2 (the helper) is investigating how she can help others, and makes the effort to do so etc. (If you want to know more about the ‘typical’ behaviour of each enneatype, check out the descriptions of the enneatypes and characteristic defence mechanisms). 

How do we choose our enneatype? The 'preference' for a specific enneatype (or rather: a specific kind of enneatypical behaviour) is based on (subconscious) avoidance strategies rather than on a 'positive' choice of a personality type. In short: as a baby, you experience everything as ‘one’, every moment is ‘complete’ and you have no likes or dislikes. Inevitably, however, the time comes when you begin to realize that you are a separate individual (you're hungry, for example, but do not get fed immediately). Separation is always painful and often associated with fear. Enneatypical behaviour is an automated strategy to avoid that pain. Your chosen basic ennea-strategy is probably already determined before or at your birth.

Now, there are different schools in ennea-land with regard to the number of strategies used per person. Some believe that you are one type. Others take the more dynamic view that every person has all types in them.

The Enneagram is a model that summarizes the laws of the universe in one symbol. It is based on the based on the premise that we all come forth from ‘oneness’, 'unity' or 'source‘. If we come from a place of oneness, then to me, it is logical to conclude that we are a whole enneagram and thus, in principle, have access to all types and energies. This does not mean we have no preferences. 

My personal experience is that I have two almost equally strong strategies in me, namely the behavior of enneatype 9 (the mediator) and that of enneatype 5 (the observer). In addition, I use quite often defence mechanisms of different types. I have been very fearful at times (e.g. too afraid to drive a car for six years) with a focus on potential problems rather than solutions, in line with enneatype 6 (the loyalist). When my daughter was born, I was suddenly overwhelmed by enneatype 2 (the helper) behaviour. I suppressed my own needs and started to decide for others (including my husband) what they needed (which makes a lot of sense, if you are in the mother energy and need to decide everything for your child). Some time ago I got stuck in a phase when everything was fun to the point where I found myself rationalizing away pain like enneatype 7 (the optimist). Not wanting to complain too much about that phase (who does not want to have fun?), the fun achieved by avoiding negative emotions (read my blog Avoiding pain - at any cost?) tends to come with a price tag attached to it…

So, which type am I? In terms of behaviour, I now have a couple of coats to choose from. In terms of my deepest motivations I tend to identify mostly with the harmony seeking 9. Which incidentally is also easily identifies with all the other types. So, maybe I am ‘only’ a 9 after all?

Or maybe it does not really matter whether we 'are' one type or many… The beauty of the Enneagram is that many visions happily co-exist side by side within the same symbol. The enneagram can, for example, also be viewed as a model of the spiritual development of a human being. As a matter of fact, you can project anything you like on the enneagram – in that sense it is a perfect mirror. And that is the only way things could be – the enneagram is, after all, a model that summarizes the basic laws on the universe in one symbol. 

***

Today we have explored the concept of the 'enneatype' and where our personality type comes from. In three upcoming blogs we will dive even deeper into the energies of the enneagram and the basics of how to recognise our own ennea-strategies (as well as those of others). 

Questions and comments are always welcome! Please Share this blog, if you like what you are reading!

If you want professional help determining your dominant enneatype(s) you can always book a personal Life Coaching session with me. 

Most people will do just about anything to avoid pain. 

If we get too close to a hot stove or an open fire, our body naturally recoils from the heat to protect itself. If we trip and fall on the street, or are about to crash our car, our bodies will brace for impact in an attempt to protect the body and avoid pain. It is a natural instinct, if something hurts, we want to get away from it.

The interesting thing is that most of us show this reaction not only to imminent physically threatening events, but also to imaginary (future or past) events.

Just a small experiment… Close your eyes and picture yourself standing on top of a flight of stairs. Let’s make it a nice and hard polished marble staircase. Feel the unyielding solidity of the stone under your feet. Now… feel your body leaning forward, until you lose your balance and start falling headfirst down the stairs. In slow motion you see the sharp edges coming closer and closer. You know there is nothing you can do to stop the fall. You are microseconds away from crashing your body into the hard stone… Full impact…NOW!

I do not know about you, but if I feel or sense my way through this sequence, I involuntarily start contracting different parts of my body – my stomach muscles contract, my shoulders tense up, my neck and jaw muscles become stiff – all in an attempt to avoid the (imagined!) impact. In my physical ‘reality’ NOTHING is going on, yet, my mind is unable to tell the difference, with the result that my body reacts the same way as if I were actually falling down a flight of stairs.

Fascinating, isn’t it? As you can imagine, this holds true not only for physical pain, but also for different kinds of (imagined or ‘real’) emotional pain.

The words, ‘I hate you!’ will – if uttered with the frequency of pure anger and hatred appropriate for such a statement – create a bodily sensation in anyone receiving it. It is simple physics. Intuitively this is perhaps easiest to understand in relation to sound. In the same way that you can feel the beat of a good bass rhythm in your body if you turn up the volume enough, music, words and other sounds also resonate in your bodily tissues (whether you are actively aware of it or not).

Not only will the (audible) sound of the words move through your body though, the emotion will as well. It is all energy. The only difference is in the frequency (sound) of the emotion, which is higher, and outside our range of hearing.

And that is all! … Or rather, this is how it could be:
Hateful words are uttered. They move through our body. We feel them. We move on.
However, for most of us, the story does not end there. Because we resist.

Most people, including me, do not truly want to feel negative emotions. Negative emotions feel uncomfortable. They feel bad. They feel painful. Or rather, most people associate negative emotions with pain, suffering and feeling bad in their mind. Just as with the example of the staircase, the image of pain in our heads (whether ‘real’ or imagined) causes our bodies to contract. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Nonetheless, contraction never feels good (just try contracting all your muscles and then let them go all at once - the relaxed state sure feels better).

And most people just want to feel good. What is wrong with that? Well, nothing, of course… given a choice everyone would choose to feel good over bad. The problem is: life simply does not always feel good. Yet, most of us are trapped by elaborate strategies to avoid feeling pain and resist whatever does not feel good.

Sooner or later we will encounter a situation that feels painful, whether it is emotional or physical pain. For most of us this happens sooner, rather than later. Starting the first time our parents do not come immediately when we cry, the first time we are hungry and do not get milk immediately, the first time we fall and are not comforted but are told to toughen up, the first time we are jumping up and down in anger, but are prevented from expressing our full will by well meaning parents who try to distract us instead. It happens to all of us, over and over and over again. So we build walls around ourselves to avoid feeling the pain. 

There are many different systems that describe these walls. One of my favourites is the enneagram. This system recognizes nine different defence mechanisms and strategies for avoiding pain. 
… There’s a silver lining to every cloud. Let’s do something fun instead (7).
… Others may have issues, but I certainly do not. I am in control (8).
… I do not really need anything anyway. Let me help you instead (2).
… I need to know more about this (5).
… I need to adjust my response or fix this to make it perfect (1).
… There’s something wrong with me, I am not worthy of a life without pain (4).
… It is your fault. I need structure to feel safe (6).
… Failure is not an option. I can turn this into a success (3).
… If everything would be peaceful all would be well (9). 

My preferred strategy is to tune out. I will just disappear into my head (either going into dream mode (9) or analyzing my feelings(5)) or get out of my body completely (9). Because if I am not really here, I cannot feel pain (nor any real happiness, but that’s just the price that has to be paid). Another favourite of mine is to comfort and numb myself with food, chocolate, tv… or anything else that will give me a sense of ‘fullness’ (9) – so I do not have to actually feel the emptiness inside me. 

This has worked reasonably well for the past 40 years (note that the words ‘reasonably well’ are yet another 9-strategy: ‘I’m fine… it’s OK as it is…’). Do not get me wrong – defence mechanisms are a necessary part of the life of most children. And yes, a healthy sense of fear is a handy thing to have when you are standing on the edge of the abyss. But… I am 40 years old. Do I really still need all these strategies??? And another question: what is it costing me to keep up these defences?

During the past few months I have had quite a ride with regard to my (ego)defences. Although I have worked with the enneagram for a decade or so, it seems I never truly believed that it was possible to transcend these mechanisms. After all, we need some kind of ego in order to interact with other people. Even with people who are clearly higher up the spiritual ladder (guru’s and such), different enneatypical behaviours are still recognizable. 

Obviously, I still have not transcended all my mechanisms. I feel things changing, though, more than ever before. Two keys for actually wanting to change things was 1) to fully see and accept that my defence mechanisms are still very much active at a subconscious level and 2) the realization how much my defences are costing me. 

In my case, tuning out and numbing myself in order not to fully feel has been the biggest energy thief of my life. I thought I just had low energy reserves and needed to be really careful with my body, my activities, how I spent my time and with whom I interacted. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the more I actively engage in my life, the more I exercise, the more I connect with the anger I feel inside – the more energy I get, the more alive I feel and the more free I feel to be myself. And paradoxically – the more I allow negative emotions and pain in my system by staying present regardless of what presents itself – the better I feel.

So, take another look at the list of pain avoidance strategies above. You just might recognize yourself in one or two of these typical behaviours… and ask yourself how much your resistance and defences against pain are costing you? 

Is it a price worth paying?

The other day my daughter was playing with my old smurfs. All music smurfs were grouped together in and around the smurf house. Other smurfs were divided into groups on the basis of other characteristics. Then I noticed that one smurf was all alone in a corner, on the other side of the room. The angry smurf .

I asked my daughter why that smurf was standing all alone, so far away.
- "I do not like him," was the reply.
- "Why don’t you like him?", I asked .
- "Because he is angry," she replied.
- "Is that the reason he has to be alone? Maybe he is very sad being there all alone? Can’t he play with the others? ", I asked.
- "No, he stays there. I do NOT like him!", she said .
End of discussion.

Mirror, mirror on the wall ... From where do I recognize this behaviour? Purely hypothetically speaking... Could it be that Mom has some tiny issues with disharmony in general and anger in particular? Could it be that Mom occasionally gets quite annoyed by the “I-want-to-decide-everything-myself “ attitude of a little 5 year old? Could it be that Mom totally loses it from time to time? Could it be that the voices in Mom's head are judging her without mercy and that she feels extremely guilty for not being able to control her anger? Could it be that Mom does not really want to feel anger at all? Could it be that Mom sends her anger way into a corner far away? Could it be that the anger is actually quite sad, but that the anger is rejected just because Mum does not like it? Like an angry smurf who is not allowed to play with the other smurfs… Could it be?

Later that night the angry smurf was still standing alone in the naughty corner. I reached out to my daughter again:
- "You know what, I think that the angry smurf feels very sad and alone. And you know what, just because someone looks angry or does angry things does not mean that this person is also angry at the core, deep inside. Why don’t we let him play with the other smurfs?” 
- "No," she replied.
- "But how would you feel yourself as you felt angry and no one wanted to play with you?", I asked .
- ... (Some deep thinking going on, no answer )
- "You know what, he feels so sad to me that I want to send him some light from my heart. Which colour do you think he would like?”, I asked.
- "Maybe purple," she said .
- “What a good idea, I will send purple light... Look, he is all purple and happy inside. He still looks very angry on the outside, but he is quite different on the inside.
- "I will send him a colour as well," my daughter said. "Now he is purple, light and happy inside ... I think he's sweet." She walked over to the angry smurf in the corner, picked him up and put him down with the music smurfs. And from that moment onwards the angry smurf was allowed to play with the other smurfs again. 
---

- “Mum.”
- "Yes?"
- "You do understand that smurfs are just toys, don’t you?”
- "Mmm - hmm."

A few weeks ago I was in an exceptionally calm and happy place during a whole weekend (after a pretty mind blowing spiritual experience). I was open, easygoing, in tune and connected; feeling my own needs and the needs of my husband and daughter, able to do what was asked in the moment and respond to my own needs and those of others without feeling conflicted. (Yep, I want to experience that more often as well).

During that weekend, my five-year-old daughter was happy, radiant, friendly, spontaneously helping out clearing out the whole(!) table, simply wonderful and a true joy to be around.

Now she is testing boundaries, fighting me every step of the way (especially in the morning). She just wants to play (of course she does) and refuses to conform to my rules (which I do not even like myself). She is acting out and going into drama (which really drives me insane).

Me? I feel a lot of frustration. I feel contracted in mind and my body (tense shoulders, tight belly, buttocks all clenched up). I see myself acting out old familiar (fear based) patterns – feeling an almost compulsive need to control what she does, how she does it, what she eats. Feeling nauseous with myself and beating myself up for being that way (I am especially accomplished at that!).

I see that I become triggered especially when there’s time pressure of some kind (having to get to school on time). I hear this voice in my head: ‘We HAVE TO get to school on time, because otherwise…’ Yes? How exactly is the world going to end, if a 5-year-old child is 5 minutes late for school?

I get triggered when she is going into drama. I try to reason with her from my mind (which, of course does not work at all). I need to contain her emotional outbursts (because they feel unsafe to me). I have this idea that I to behave like an authority figure and set boundaries. But how do you set loving boundaries without acting old-school authoritarian?   

Hmmm… I wonder if these experiences are linked somehow? (she said with sarcasm dripping from her voice). No seriously, although I have known at some levels (and in my mind) that children really reflect us back to ourselves, this time around the game has been taken to a whole new level. There’s no place to hide anymore (and believe me, I have been searching).

It is what it is: maybe the best thing I can do is simply to accept the facts as they are?
- I feel open and connected. Result: She feels open and connected.
- I feel closed and constricted. Result: She feels closed and constricted.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
you are no different from me at all...
I may not want to stay,
but it is useless to turn away.

Even if I do not agree,
you are just another reflection of me.
Anger, sadness, joy and shame -
we might seem different, but are one and the same.

If I feel closed, I can relax as much as possible and open up again to whatever is, now, in this moment. I can actively remember that many of the voices I hear in my head are old behavioural programmes stemming from my own childhood (and generations before that). If my mind feels the need to control the situation and her drama (= my inner drama?), I can try to do the opposite: feel my body, relax, feel safe in myself and do my best to stay calm. And I can really work on that guilt thing I have going, be compassionate with myself and stop beating myself up when I get it ‘wrong’. How’s that for a start?

I would love to hear from you as well! What are your experiences with children as mirrors? What do you do to stay in a healthy mother / parent energy?

For most – if not all – of my life I have felt that the food I eat never really satisfies me. Knowing that I should slow down and chew, take my time to feel the food, but unable to actually do it. Instead, feeling the need to fill myself up. Fast, and a lot, always just past the point when I am not even hungry anymore. At night the additional urge to stuff my mouth full of chocolate, again, not stopping until a feeling of slight nausea settles on my stomach.   

I have tried different ways of eating. When I came to the Netherlands I did my best to adapt to the milk, bread & cheese culture – and gained four kilo’s. I found out that I was lactose intolerant. A few years later I discovered that gluten did not agree with my digestive system either. I tried to eat more salad and vegetables, but they just felt cold in my stomach and I became hungry immediately again. 

So I switched to three warm meals a day. Eating lots of rice, more fish, less meat and the occasional vegetarian meal. Still this gnawing feeling stayed with me. Gradually feeling a desire to include more vegetables and fruits in my diet, yet I simply could not make it work. The bottom line was that they did not satisfy the hunger I felt inside. 

A few weeks ago experienced a state of no mind and total oneness during a retreat. At one point we had lunch, while I was in this state of expanded consciousness. I remember sitting at the table with a fork and knife in my hands, looking at them thinking: ‘I know what these things are, but I have no clue how to actually move them’. My mind still knew what to do, but could not communicate directly with the body. 

I felt like a baby learning to eat for the first time. The beautiful, freshly made, crispy mixed salad with pine kernels, fresh herbs, olive oil and soft, juicy roast beef on a toasted piece of (gluten free) bread filled my whole vision. I felt my hands grabbing the fork and knife in an awkward way and, somehow, slowly managed to cut a piece and bring it to my mouth. Every mouthful was bliss – I could feel every texture, taste every flavour, my mouth was filled with food, swallowing it was complete fulfilment of now. I could not interact with anyone else. I was food. 

When I had eaten enough, I stopped. 
My plate was not empty, but I was done. 
I was not hungry anymore.

Back home, I find myself picking and mixing ingredients in new ways. I have gone from 60% carbs and 25 % vegetables/fruits to maybe 55% green and 30 % carbs. I feel an urge to eat more raw food, but still also mixed with warm. I eat less and stop when I’m done. We went to a restaurant and I chose the salad (something I would NEVER have done before), because all the rest seemed unappetising to me. I saw the rows of sweet pastry and creamy sticky cakes and felt sick to my stomach. It was a quite novel experience for me, indeed…

Now I am very curious to see how long this will last. What strikes me this time is that the changes do seem to come from within. It is not a system I have read about that I am trying to apply. I genuinely want to eat salad as well. So, I live in hope…

And the chocolate? Until a few days ago, I did not crave chocolate either, but I can feel that the addiction is creeping up on me again. It seems to be a real Pavlov reaction. I go to the living room, turn on the TV to watch a nice movie and my mouth starts watering at the thought of combining this cocooning event with chocolate. Even now, as I write this, I have the same reaction! So far, I have been able to stay off the chocolate, but I can feel the seductive call of delicious imported Finnish chocolate bars from the kitchen… Will I succumb or not? 

Tell me about your experiences with food (addiction)! Did something happen to make you radically change your eating habits? Are you able to keep the new habits alive? How? Please, share!

Have you ever thought about what you deepest wish is? I am not talking about that beautiful dream house you want to buy, the six month trip around the world or the red Porsche with leather seat covers. Nothing wrong with those wishes, they are perfectly legitimate. But they are not true inner wishes in the sense of finding out who you really are and what your life purpose is. They are strategies you think will make you feel better than you do right now.

So let’s try this again. What is your deepest desire? What do you really long for? What would make you feel as if you have it all? What is that one thing / state of mind / experience you would like to have in order to die happy? Or let me put it another way: What is it that you want so badly that you can almost taste it. You probably do not have it right now, but you just know in your gut that if you had that you would feel really good.

These are interesting questions. I have been asking myself these very questions many times. For me, at least until very recently, my number one wish has turned out to be ‘complete inner and outer harmony, peace and quiet´. This is not a very big surprise to me, as it corresponds for 100% with my favourite enneatype, type 9, the peacemaker.

At one point a good friend and fellow colleague Rob de Best took it one step further by asking: You have this thing you want so badly, but you are convinced you cannot have it. Why are you not allowed to have this thing you really, really want? And here comes the punch line: What would go wrong if you got what you wanted?

My mind went completely blank. A glimpse of how things could be and the immense freedom it would entail. I felt panic. Restricted beliefs parading by: If I were to get this, then I would have no excuses anymore. If I were to have it, I would do nothing anymore. Who would I then be? Aaaaarrgh… Existential terror. And then I felt as if my mind shut itself down, because it just could not take this kind of information. Let’s tune out, numb out, disappear. We need to protect ourselves from this. Ego pressing the button for ‘automated programme number 9’ to protect itself from change.

Some time later another good friend, Miriam Kasbergen, had an interesting follow-up question. So, you know your basic desire… What would you do now, if you only had half an hour to live? Does your wish stay the same, or does it change?

As she posed this question to me, a somewhat unexpected answer came out. All I could think about was a range of physical experiences I still wanted to have. Something like: if I am going to die anyway and go into a different blissful state of being where I do not have a body, then I want to have a full body experience before I go. This desire was centred around food. I could see this huge buffet with delicious food, and I would stuff myself until I felt completely saturated. Half an hour left – never mind any highflying ideals or noble ideas I might have about who I am  – I just want to eat. Now… That’s a clue!

Funny, how a few innocent questions can tell us so much about how our ego operates. And it is very interesting to see what added time pressure (you have ½ hour to live) can tell us about areas in our lives where we still feel we lack something.

Try it yourself! I would absolutely LOVE to hear what these questions show you about you (ego and beyond)! So please, share!