So I switched to three warm meals a day. Eating lots of rice, more fish, less meat and the occasional vegetarian meal. Still this gnawing feeling stayed with me. Gradually feeling a desire to include more vegetables and fruits in my diet, yet I simply could not make it work. The bottom line was that they did not satisfy the hunger I felt inside.
A few weeks ago experienced a state of no mind and total oneness during a retreat. At one point we had lunch, while I was in this state of expanded consciousness. I remember sitting at the table with a fork and knife in my hands, looking at them thinking: ‘I know what these things are, but I have no clue how to actually move them’. My mind still knew what to do, but could not communicate directly with the body.
I felt like a baby learning to eat for the first time. The beautiful, freshly made, crispy mixed salad with pine kernels, fresh herbs, olive oil and soft, juicy roast beef on a toasted piece of (gluten free) bread filled my whole vision. I felt my hands grabbing the fork and knife in an awkward way and, somehow, slowly managed to cut a piece and bring it to my mouth. Every mouthful was bliss – I could feel every texture, taste every flavour, my mouth was filled with food, swallowing it was complete fulfilment of now. I could not interact with anyone else. I was food.
When I had eaten enough, I stopped.
My plate was not empty, but I was done.
I was not hungry anymore.
Now I am very curious to see how long this will last. What strikes me this time is that the changes do seem to come from within. It is not a system I have read about that I am trying to apply. I genuinely want to eat salad as well. So, I live in hope…
Tell me about your experiences with food (addiction)! Did something happen to make you radically change your eating habits? Are you able to keep the new habits alive? How? Please, share!